It's (almost) Battle Fuckin' Red Day, Baby!

For the first time since 1994 or something, there will be a Monday night game in Houston. And, unfortunately, I've got a paper to write. I'll still get to watch the game, though, so I'm not bitching.

You know, despite what the Chronicle, ESPN, the NFL, and Madden 2009 seem to think, the Jacksonville-Houston game is not a rivalry. You should hate a rival. I hate the Cowboys. I hate the sister-fuckers. I don't hate the Jags. It's just that we only face Dallas in the preseason (of course, we've faced them twice in the regular season: 29-10 you motherfuckers) and the Titans have historically kicked the Texans' asses. But Jacksonville and Houston are roughly on the same level, so that's apparently a rivalry.

Here's what I think happened: Bob McNair and the NFL were talking about who would be the Texans' rivals. Dallas was a natural, as was Tennessee. But we needed a rival whom we could consistently beat. You know how your first car isn't a Cadillac (unless it's thirty years old)? Well, just as suburban children throughout America get starter cars (mine was my mom's 1994 Honda Accord. I loved that thing.), the Texans got a starter rival - the Jags. The Jags aren't sexy - they're not going to help the Texans get dates with the cool girls - but they're reliable and don't cost much. And, eventually, the Texans will move up to bigger rivals. But, in the meantime, the Jaguars will get them to school and teach them the fundamentals of driving: keep your hands at 10-and-2, don't ride the brake, and establish the run.

Oh, and I missed the first half of the Spurs-Rockets game, but the second half was pretty sweet. Luther Head (Luther motherfucking Head!) carried the team. And BATTIER IS BACK! Oh, be still my heart! Rockets apparently lost to Denver tonight, but things are always good when Shane Battier is back in the lineup.